I have a slight time obsession, yes I do. So I am deeply disappointed with myself for not finishing my chores today before I went out to play. Didn’t I also mention, 2010 is the year Feles-kun ™ goes to lolcat hospital, insanity ward? I really lost the very small bit of sanity I still had in 2009.

I guess the years of regular a-holes,
having more than a double digit IQ,
doing 100 things well but never 1 absolutely to perfection (ok, make that doing 99 out of a 100 to perfection) and therefor I am directionless,
two years of depression,
working an atypical job for my gender which I’m bored with because the laffs are only funny for oh so long,
fearing for my health last year,
6 years of absolute rage and frustration (and ongoing) for very justified reasons which make me have sleepless nights at times (still),
24 years of not understanding one flying crap of other people because I’m understanding them faster than they do themselves,
5 years being of single for no other reason than that guys feel like they’re losing (which they are when they feel like that),
have finally gotten to me.

I’m never really sure what I’m trying to say, really. I guess if you define sanity as being part of the larger whole, I lost it. I LOST IT, COMPLETELY~♥. I was always rather thin on the peer pressure and the social shenanigans ‘just to fit in’ or in some kind of desire to be popular, but I just went off the chart and out of the ballpark when it comes to doing what is right and honorable instead of ‘accepted practise of stupidity and fail’. I still have to talk to myself on a daily basis. To be really sure that what I’m seeing is not a figment of my overdramatization or a lack of criticism of myself. The enormous amount of epic fail of the world is absolutely real. Doesn’t seem to bother a lot of people, noes, they’re too busy putting their head in their own assholes saying it smells like roses if they just go deep enough. *pats self* Well put, not eloquent, but well put. I don’t know why “it has to stop failing” is so important for me at first go, but I’m beginning to understand.

There’s a reason why I had a tough time with this. I guess, because it was (a) the right thing to do to evaluate other belief systems, other justifications, other ways of thinking, other feelings while few people I know did it and (b) losing what makes my life worth living. You see, it’s also the basis of curiosity and that makes me very extremely sad that I have to fight so incredibly hard to _keep_ that. Just to be able to OWN it, because it’s mine. Most people are probably too confused to see what’s going on and go there merry way into midlife crisis. Me? I’m not a midlifer yet, but I’ve got a strong hunch I know what that one’s about. Specialisation, when it comes to your trade is a good thing to have because I believe it’s something beneficial – but when it spreads to your attitude towards people you’ll lose as much of yourself than you just contributed to insanity (and sometimes evil) in this world. I don’t want to lose out to that, and whomever lost it ~for gods sakes~, learn it again for my sake.