Again, I’m just waiting to get older. This can’t be good. Oh well, knowing myself I’ll probably never be happy with anything. That’s a lie. I’m not going to start, honestly.

Am trying to put my mind to null until I find what I’m looking for. Am not “cranky or depressed” or anything, just so blank… That’s not me either, I have to have something I’m passionate about.

In between that “moments of being blank” I have times when I’m incredibly happy and proud to be me. Even if it’s probably the worst thing in the world: a female geek that doesn’t look like a geek, but geeks anyways, and never really seems to fit in anywhere. I’m pretty much the happiest when I can let it rip and don’t give a f**k; that much I can tell. I honestly have to maneuver myself in a position where I can do that. I was always a happy camper when I decide that I can be decisive about things that need to be cautiously handled. It’s true that I think too much, but that’s an enormous gift besides a burden. I am glad I do, that way I know I never have anything to regret. My influence can only reach so far in this world, I know my limitations since I’ve fought every one of them and am still fighting them every day. I think so much about these things perhaps I’m a 60 year old in mental age by now.

I now feel stronger than ever before “how right it is that I am” even though that might sound really arrogant. It’s like I’ve reached a point in my life “I know everything better” and “have come to peace” with that knowledge. Sounds arrogant again, right? Read that sentence again to know how much pain I went through; it’s about the last thing I wanted. Well, if someone earned to come off like that it’s probably me. lol. Unlike many things in the world, that’s something you really earn by critical examination.