So you wonder what my day looks like these days, huh? I’m busier than usual, and busier than usual under Satan’s command:
- Starts with about 2-3 hours of studying “the greatest of mankind”. Reactions are: “Oh cool”, “Douchebag”, “Dimwit’, “No you did not just waste 20 pages on that”, “Been there, done that”.
- Why hello, “I see what you did thar” (from one sentence in an advertisement). Predator (it’s not meant to be cute). And yes, that’s one of my party tricks (and my own voice). You h00manoids are teh funny, even though I stopped laughing at it a long time ago. Arrogant? Yeah right. I wouldn’t wish you – to see you as I do – and it has nothing to do with any arrogance, my own, or other people’s believed infallibility. People that read my blog and go: “I get you”, stick around;) Not so surprisingly: that’s what I’ll chase to unify in this life. Because that’s my ‘very selfish peace on earth and love for all’. I was never able to be only half a person for anyone nor do I wish for a half-hearted person to be in my life, so I have to believe there is someone out there that wants people to be their full person as much I do. In work, in love, and lucklily in friendship that was fortunately granted. Thank god, I wouldn’t know what I would have done without these girls.
- Coding an ultra secret project. Yeah man, never learned this much in this short of time. Nope, that would be a lie. *flips big eyelashes*. It only takes someone to piss me off to go beyond what is human. As heroic as that may sound, there comes a point where this is ‘not as macho and full of appeal’ as it sounds. It’s like “I unno, I can make a funny, grabbing at my non-existing balls here like I mean it and laugh at you for responding; as I am at much laughing at myself for making the gesture… It’s surely more funny to see that joke as the biggest joke of all”. It always sorta was, but it certainly toppled the border of ridiculousness when it outlived its usefulness together with my tolerance for things I wasn’t assigned to fix in the first place. An argument, that no matter how lost some are, I’m sure they’ll understand.
- Philosophising that the only place I will never try to escape is the one I run, or the one that I’m allowed to be ‘everything I can be’ (so others can too). It’s still hard to understand how people were this small-minded growing up even though I saw it with my very eyes. I saw it to be this small-minded growing older, and genuinely continued without giving a **** no matter how red the butt got or how ashamed they must have felt dealing with me. I continue to see much more hurt in others without feeling requested to pick up the shards. I think my alien-like thought of mind protected me of that for over 30 years. It’s time to face the music though: I do not live in a world where I could be my ‘full self’ even if I would be granted the chance. People’s beliefs are my card game: I’ll always challenge them. Clarity and authenticity remains something I would not wish upon anyone in the real world, but I certainly wish for other people to have had the courage I had and still have. Again, because I’m selfish that way, and I will continue to be selfish that way (non-conformist). For me, there never was another way no matter how painful it is and was. “The greatest humanitarian act is to be non-confirmist”, you just wait for my philosophy essay, professor.
The funny part about it is, the one thing other people need to accept about me is to accept themselves. “If you don’t put me in charge of that, I have little more to contribute but to repeat myself endlessly from which I already know”. Since that’s hard, I’m also at odds at much as these people are. ^^ I guess I truly have my feet in the psychoanalytic theory (specifically Jungian), criticise it every which you want;) The only thing you’ll ever succesfully criticise it on, is both denying the credibility of compassion and the importance of courage. I certainly like philosophies that go to the heart without neglecting the mind. You know, somewhere in the middle, the thing that does not exist according to the world.
